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Living Through the Holidays
(sent to me by Canuck
Place Children’s Hospice the first Christmas after Kayda died.)
Suggestions for living through the Holiday season:
Some families plan to
maintain their holiday traditions, just as they always have. They visit friends,
attend special concerts or events, and enjoy traditional festive meals. But in
the midst of it all, it is important to remember to give yourself extra time,
both daily and during the season, where there are no expectations, no
obligations, and simply time to be, to rest, to reflect and remember.
Other families prefer to
get away or experience something new and different during the holidays, because
the old familiar patterns are too poignant a reminder of their pain and loss.
These folks might travel, stay with friends, or book into a local hotel even for
a day or two to give themselves perspective, and the freedom to experience
themselves in a new setting. For some, memories of a loved one who has died are
easier to bear when they come into a new holiday experience.
It is important and appropriate to do things
your loved one would have enjoyed. It also makes sense to indulge in talking
about them, looking at photographs, sharing memories, telling stories.
Especially take some time to be with others who share your loss, who will know
how you are feeling. Even though the child is in the hearts and minds of
everyone, many well-meaning friends and relatives just don't know what to say or
do. One family found that the day was made easier by having a plan. They
compiled an album of their daughter's pictures, left if out on the coffee table
and before long people were looking at it and began sharing favourite memories
There is no "right" way to proceed: you don't
have to do what anyone else has done, nor live up to anyone else's expectations
(even your own!). If you were to consider the holidays as "holy days" for
yourself, that is, as days set apart for you to be restored, renewed,
reconnected with the purpose and meaning of your own life, what would you do?
Some might enjoy just being alone, while others would want a steady stream of
conversation, visits, and involvement. Are there activities your loved one would
have enjoyed? Why not do them remembering? Also remember that holidays also
bring about a flood of emotions that may or may not be so controllable. Give
yourself permission to cry, celebrate, and not to live up to others
expectations. You can change your mind at any time if the plans no longer feel
right. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.
Finally, is there a
symbolic ritual you would like to create this year to help you remember and
honour your loved one? Setting aside some time on a special occasion to gather
the family (and friends) light a candle, share a story or a poem or memory or
song, send a message in a helium balloon, hang a stocking, put a tree on the
grave and decorate it, observe silence or say a prayer. These are just
suggestions. You might also arrange for your family to go on a special outing
(to be repeated each year on the same day) as a ritual. It needn't be somber-it
could be active-like ice skating with friends or skiing at your local mountain.
What is important is your intentionality, and saying to one another why you are
creating the ritual.
What If?
What if: part 1: Your child's last days
What if: part 1: Your child's last days links
What if: part 2: Funerals
What if: part 2: Funeral links
What if: part 2: Eulogies
What if? Part 3:
Grief and Loss Resources
What if? Part 3: Grief
and Loss Links
What if? Part 3: Grief and Loss
Resources: I'm not a mother anymore.
What if?
Part 4: Difficult Days
What if? Part 5: Children and Death and Funerals
What if? Glossary
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